Good news, friends, the Golden Globes happened! It’s always worth remembering that the Globes is secretly the best awards ceremony because it is crazy and crazy is good. The clothes are generally more fun, the wins are often more surprising and the celebrities are drunk. Seriously, what could be better?
This year the Globes backslid into the depths of hell to bring us that shrivelled old cucumber stuck to the back of your refrigerator:
That’s right, Ricky Gervais is back to repulse you (and to recycle jokes made by Amy and Tina last year, as above). If you like dated references, jokes about molestation and sexism, and transphobia, strap in.
SO. AWKWARDLY. TERRIBLE.
Thankfully, Fusion has lovingly catalogued all the uncomfortable facial expressions from the celebrities in the audience who felt forced to pretend they are good-humoured about casual bigotry:
I think we all wish these two (or, like, literally anyone else besides Ricky Fucking Gervais) were hosting instead:
In case you were worried that Gervais would set the tone for the rest of the night, Jonah Hill dragged Awkward Channing Tatum and his Gambit hair (the real winner of the 2016 Golden Globes) onstage to do a dud bit about the bear from The Revenant, reminding everyone that Jump Street only works because of Channing Tatum. So, you know, off to a ripper start.
Here, Jane Fonda is all of us: unimpressed.
Then, just to ensure we remember that white men ruin everything, Quentin Tarantino was a racist.
Anyway, winners! Lots of people and things won! Some of those things and people were great, like the win for charming, talented Rachel Bloom as Lead Actress in a TV Series, Comedy or Musical, for her delightful show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
The win, and her crackpot acceptance speech, will hopefully encourage more people to watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, which is an amazingly good show.
One of the big surprises of the night was Mozart in the Jungle, Amazon’s tiny baby classical music comedy (apparently!) starring Gael Garcia Bernal and Bernadette Peters, which won the Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical category, and also secured a win for Bernal in the Best Actor category.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed Mozart in the Jungle‘s first season. I imagined as I watched that the show had a fun niche audience of orchestral instrumentalists or former orchestral instrumentalists (like me) and the parents of orchestral instrumentalists or former orchestral instrumentalists (like my mother). Which is great for that niche audience, desperate as we are to see actors pretend to play instruments. But that is not an award-winning show, and Gael Garcia Bernal’s performance is not an award-winning performance (it’s even less of an award-winning performance than Aziz Ansari’s Dev, the performance I had assumed would take out the statue over last year’s winner, Jeffrey Tambor, because the Globes loves to reward newcomers and to appear ‘hip’ and ‘with it’). But, sure, give all the gongs to Mozart in the Jungle, a sketchily produced, albeit thoroughly entertaining, peek into the apparently scandalous world of orchestral music. This is why we love the Globes, because the Globes are batshit crazy.
But, you know, Bernal is such a sweetheart so I guess whatever:
Plus, this slightly wasted yet hilarious cutaway gag from fellow nominee Aziz Ansari:
Sly won a Best Supporting Actor award for his return to the Rocky franchise in Creed and marble-mouthed awkward sweetness at us, but then rudely did not thank the director Ryan Coogler or the film’s star, the divine Michael B. Jordan. Scandal!
COOKIE WON. Taraji P. Henson served it up in her amazing, salty acceptance speech. Well deserved.
And Lady Gaga cried and oversold it when she won her Golden Globe. (It’s a Golden Globe, Gaga, chill out.) She also called Ryan Murphy ‘a wonderful human being’, which . . . doubtful.
Then Oscar Isaac came onstage to be basically the hottest, most charming, most talented and most suave man alive right now.
Also, Brie Larson, Hollywood’s most underappreciated (and probably most talented) young actor, won a thing! YESSSS LARSON. YES.
Look, other people won things. Who cares! There’s a full list at the bottom of this post.
SO, FASHION. Yum. Clothes were generally pretty good this year. Plus, all my red carpet dreams have come true because I can finally say this: categorically the least amount of white and beige I’ve ever seen on a red carpet. For the most part, no one was competing to be the saddest bride left at the altar, or the most disappointed bridesmaid in a dress that is supposed to be ‘peach’ but is really ‘nightmare’. It was all jewel tones and sleek lines and grown-up realness. What a time to be alive.
First, let’s deal with the Most Bestest (with help, as always, from inimitable fashion commentator Will Kay):
Jennifer Lawrence in Christian Dior.
Oh, how I have loved Lawrence’s long relationship with Dior – girl knows how to pull off a romantic dress. But I like this the best, unequivocally, of anything she’s ever worn on the red carpet. This is polished and so grown up, with the saucy cut-outs in the side and the impeccably styled accessories and hair/make up. My favourite Globes look this year.
Will: This is the best Jennifer Lawrence has ever looked, even better than the photoshopped Dior ads. Red is her colour; she should only wear red. This reminds me of her Oscars look when she was nominated for The Winter’s Bone. This is subtly sexy modern, ugh she just looks so good.
Jennifer Lopez in Giambattista Valli.
This. Is. The. Business. This might possibly be my favourite most J.Lo thing J.Lo has ever done – including the time she played J.Lo on Will and Grace. Let it never be said that no one can pull off canary yellow with like a balero-cape and a diamond bolo tie: J.Lo can.
Will: She is positively J.Loing in canary. Yes, definitely canary with that caplet. (PS Yes, feature that a clutch.)
Julianne Moore in Tom Ford.
Julianne Moore is one of my favourite people alive in this world, and here she is making more great choices in a Tom Ford Skyy Vodka bottle with a Velvet neck-shoulder collar. The dress is perfectly done, and the styling is perfectly underdone. Moore is the Most Bestest Dressed in our hearts, always and forever.
Will: Is she ever wrong?
Cate Blanchett in Givenchy.
Our Cate knows tasteful ballsy batshit better than anyone. This is the saloon gown/unicorn hide of my dreams. The woman is luminous, and her fashion choices are inspired.
Will: Only Cate Blanchett should be allowed to wear Riccardo Tisci’s Givenchy Haute Couture. She owns it. It suits her modern refined sensibility so perfectly.
Lady Gaga in Versace.
I assume Lady Gaga is hoping that they will reboot My Week With Marilyn? Seriously, I can’t care about Gaga play-acting breathy Marilyn Monroe in her awards speech (and her entitled, celestial glide from her chair to the stage to receive her gong), but I can get around this truly stunning Versace number, with power Bumpits built in at the sides. I wish the styling was less on-the-nose, but we can’t have everything we want in life.
Will: It has been said once, it has been said a thousand times, “Madonna is a style icon.” But jokes aside, really this is beautiful: Versace does Thierry Mugler equals power sexy woman.
Gina Rodriguez in Zac Posen.
I’m in and out about the colour, which is sometimes great and sometimes like an old couch in someone’s great uncle’s den, but I’m all in on this flirty fun look for delightful, bubbly Gina Rodriguez, which seems to embody everything that is her Jane the Virgin. There’s that alien edge around the bust that is so very Zac Posen, and the rest of it is midnight cupcake delight delicious funtimes. And it’s totally the kind of thing I would wear to a red carpet ‘do – real-life Princess of Genovia stuff right here.
Zendaya in Marchesa (SURPRISE!)
My god this woman is beautiful. This is a sublime romantic stunner, and SURPRISE, Marchesa has made something not dreadful and not diva vomity for Zendaya, who is giving us luscious eyes.
Will: Zendaya is perfect every time. Bitch, romance me. I usually don’t like Marchesa, but in this case their schmaltzy romantic vision works.
Amber Heard in Your Grandma’s Glory Box.
Amber Heard is here as the literal embodiment of the film Sense and Sensibility. I approve.
Will: She looks like a curtain from a Kate Bush music video and I am here for it.
Brie Larson in Calvin Klein.
It’s Princess Leia meets Helen of Troy meets a disco ball key ring and it might be strangling her a bit, which I think is perfect for completing the whole look. This is violent and classy all at once (as is all of Calvin Klein’s best work) and it’s ideal for showing the Awards Show Circuit you’re serious as fuck about the red carpet. Good show, Larson.
Jill Soloway and Gaby Hoffman in WHATEVER WHO CARES JUST LOOK AT THEM YOU WILL NEVER BE THIS GRAND.
What a fucking pair.
Kirsten Dunst in Valentino.
KAPOW. This is scrumptious and crackpot and divine and LOOK AT HER. A real Regan outfit.
Will: Kirsten Dunst has assumed her final form, and she is fucking dangerous.
And now, onto Bestest Whitest, because someone’s always gotta fkn wear white:
Alicia Vikander in Louis Vuitton.
Alicia Vikander, the ingenue we have been given, even if we don’t deserve her, is delicate and delicious in this Louis Vuitton. Yes, this picture doesn’t show off the whole dress, but the pose says it all: impish, fanciful, fabulous.
(PLUS: the woman has Fassbender and he has her. It’s over, folks.)
Will: Alicia Vikander clearly fulfilling her role as Nicholas Ghiesquiere’s newest muse perfectly. She is doing the low-key avant-garde intelligent beauty that features so prominently among Ghiesquiere’s other muses (Doona Bae, Jennifer Connelly, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Kirsten Stewart).
Taraji P. Henson in Stella McCartney.
No words, only admiration.
Laverne Cox in Elizabeth Kennedy.
Laverne Cox knows glamour like no other woman on this planet; she is queen of glamour. Here she wears white (white does not wear her) with super stylish hair and wine-bruise lips that she pouts coyly at us. Stop, Laverne; you have us. You have us all.
Judith Light in Maggie Norris Couture.
Judith White is wearing that white tuxedo. Oh yes, she is wearing it.
And here are some Other Things. Maybe I hated them, maybe I can’t decide. Maybe you should decide.
Katy Perry in JUST STOP OKAY JUST STOP DOING THAT.
I . . . what? Look, all jokes about Bumpits aside, Katy Perry here told everyone that she wore a Bumpit to the Golden Globes, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why she would do that.
Whatever this is, I just can’t with it, you know? Here’s hoping this is still a timely reference:
Will: This is a joke, right. I’m confused. What is going on? There must be some mistake.
Sarah Hay in NOPE.
Stop it. You’re here by accident.
Melissa Benoist in a Midwestern Rehearsal Dinner With The In-Laws.
Newsboy Cap here is channelling Calista Flockart in the face region, which is funny because of Supergirl, the show that both Newsboy Cap and Calista Flockhart are on. What’s not funny? Supergirl, or this outfit, both of which are so mind-numbingly nothing they’re almost not worth mentioning. Almost.
America Ferrera in Try Again, Please.
The colour: wrong. The drape: wrong. The accessories: wrong. Put your hand down; you’re America Ferrera and you should know better than this. (I guess she just wanted people to know it was her, not Gina Rodriguez, up there in Wrong-Coloured Yellow Disaster 2016.)
Kate Hudson in ENOUGH.
Look, I love Kate Hudson, and I love the way she channels her mother’s Trash Treasure aesthetic while still looking so sleek and fresh. But this. This makes me tired. If this is the result of Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas boning each other, I think it’s down to all of us to make that shit stop right now.
Will: I guess Kate Hudson is friends with Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner.
Amy Schumer in Whatever.
I hate this. It’s not spaghetti straps or your Year Nine Disco outfit (Schumer’s usual weapons of choice), but I hate it all the same. The styling is, I’ll admit, far more sophisticated than usual.
Will: Hello Ms Penguin, you look beautiful.
Natalie Dormer in BOO!
Fine, you got me. I’m terrified. Natalie Dormer raided the costume department at Witches in Britches for this outfit.
Melissa McCarthy in Stop Making Me Do This To You.
Blah blah blah, love her, blah blah blah, hideous, blah blah blah, at least she looks happy. Rinse and repeat in 2017.
Rooney Mara in Girl, No.
The styling is impeccable, but the dress reminds me that she was in Joe Wright’s Pan, and I don’t ever want to be reminded that she was in Joe Wright’s Pan.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus in ZZZZ.
I adore her, and the woman always looks a million bucks but this is just SO Who Cares.
Will: I love Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
And now here are Some Hot Men, because the Hot Men are my favourite part, and yours, too. They are all wearing suits, but that is not what’s important here. Still, let’s look at them, in their suits, which they are definitely wearing.
My Boyfriend Eddie Redmayne in Gucci.
My Boyfriend Eddie Redmayne is really good at dressing in suits and giving interviews.
Jon Hamm in Dolce and Gabbana.
Jon Hamm’s wearing his post-divorce skinny bod like Poor Orange Will Arnett post-Poehler split. He’s also wearing this suit, and it is a good suit, and he is looking dapper as shit, proving once and for all that all the attractive men in the world should get divorced!
Fit John Krasinski.
Yes, he’s wearing a suit, but what’s really important is that buffness really suits Fit John Krasinski.
Michael B. Jordan in His Own Incredible Body (And A Suit).
OH LORD MBJ IS VERY ATTRACTIVE (and also in a suit).
Rami Malek in Dior.
Rami Malek’s suit is a little bit different to some of the other suits but, like Rami Malek, it is pretty and interesting and I love it, I love Rami Malek and his suit.
Gerard Butler in Who Invited . . .
. . . Orlando Bloom in You?
Gerard Butler and Orlando Bloom are here to ruin your night with their uncomfortable irrelevance. But they are, at least, wearing suits.
Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis in Sigh.
Jason Sudeikis is wearing runners with his suit like an idiot.
David Oyelowo in Dolce and Gabbana.
Danny Hunter is wearing a suit that is Pyjama Goodness and suave suave suave. The man is emerging as a seriously bold dresser and we thank him for him and for his suit.
Sam Heughan in GHBGF ST AFA GNH SAR FDFBNNNNNNNNNGGGGG.
Rugged man and his mullet meets sleek suit and god the man positively drips raw sex appeal.
Here is Alan Cumming looking very Alan Cumming in very Alan Cumming suit. I adore him, and so do you.
Mmmm, this is a sneaky crackpot suit. I like it.
This is everything to me.
So the Globes are done. Over. See ya next year, drunks!
(RIP me, dead now.)
The Winners, 2016 Golden Globe Awards
BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Mad Max: Fury Road
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Cate Blanchett, Carol
Brie Larson, Room
Rooney Mara, Carol
Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
Will Smith, Concussion
BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
The Big Short
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Melissa McCarthy, Spy
Amy Schumer, Trainwreck
Maggie Smith, The Lady in the Van
Lily Tomlin, Grandma
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
Christian Bale, The Big Short
Steve Carell, The Big Short
Matt Damon, The Martian
Al Pacino, Danny Collins
Mark Ruffalo, Infinitely Polar Bear
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE
Jane Fonda, Youth
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
Helen Mirren, Trumbo
Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE
Paul Dano, Love & Mercy
Idris Elba, Beasts of No Nation
Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
Michael Shannon, 99 Homes
Sylvester Stallone, Creed
BEST DIRECTOR, MOTION PICTURE
Todd Haynes, Carol
Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant
Tom McCarthy, Spotlight
George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road
Ridley Scott, The Martian
BEST ANIMATED FILM
The Good Dinosaur
The Peanuts Movie
Shaun the Sheep
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
The Brand New Testament
Son of Saul
BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Emma Donoghue, Room
Tom McCarthy and Josh Singer, Spotlight
Charles Randolph and Adam McKay, The Big Short
Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs
Quentin Tarantino, The Hateful Eight
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE, MOTION PICTURE
Carter Burwell, Carol
Alexandre Desplat, The Danish Girl
Ennio Morricone, The Hateful Eight
Daniel Pemberton, Steve Jobs
Ryuichi Sakamoto and Alva Noto, The Revenant
BEST ORIGINAL SONG, MOTION PICTURE
“Love Me Like You Do,” Fifty Shades of Grey
“One Kind of Love,” Love & Mercy
“See You Again,” Furious 7
“Simple Song #3,” Youth
“Writing’s on the Wall,” Spectre
BEST TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Game of Thrones
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Eva Green, Penny Dreadful
Taraji P. Henson, Empire
Robin Wright, House of Cards
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Rami Malek, Mr. Robot
Wagner Moura, Narcos
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
BEST TV SERIES, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Mozart in the Jungle
Orange Is the New Black
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Jamie Lee Curtis, Scream Queens
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Lily Tomlin, Grace and Frankie
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
Aziz Ansari, Master of None
Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle
Rob Lowe, The Grinder
Patrick Stewart, Blunt Talk
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
BEST TELEVISION LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
American Horror Story: Hotel
Flesh and Bone
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Kirsten Dunst, Fargo
Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel
Sarah Hay, Flesh and Bone
Felicity Huffman, American Crime
Queen Latifah, Bessie
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Idris Elba, Luther
Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero
David Oyelowo, Nightingale
Mark Rylance, Wolf Hall
Patrick Wilson, Fargo
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A SERIES, LIMITED SERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Regina King, American Crime
Maura Tierney, The Affair
Judith Light, Transparent
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A SERIES, LIMITED SERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Damian Lewis, Wolf Hall
Ben Mendelsohn, Bloodline
Tobias Menzies, Outlander
Christian Slater, Mr. Robot